Pain Visits Hot Topic
by pennylessz
Summary: Pain finally arrives at his coveted Hot Topic, but in doing so, he destroys the lives of himself and everyone else. Being obsessed with the trendy, gothic store, he rapidly spirals down a path of edgyness, from which there's no return. Will the cycle of Hot Topic break, and who will die in the meantime? This is an exaggerated parody of the Naruto universe.
1. The Arrival

**Hello, dear reader.**

 **This is my first chapter of, "Pain Visits Hot Topic." I'm writing it in short chapters, to ensure I can get a chapter out everyday.**

 **Naturally, this original chapter is by far the shortest. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and it would be much appreciate if you'd like to leave a review on any of my chapters.**

 **Special thanks to, " _fanothisfiction,"_ for his kind reviews.**

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"At last, I've reached the hot topic." Pain laughed to himself maniacally.

Today, Pain was sporting his Yahiko body, he entered the hot topic in search of new clothes.

He browsed the aisles for thirty minutes, unable to decide on any new dreads.

Frustrated, he walked up to the clerk at the counter.

"Do you have any dreary robes with clouds on them?"

The clerk smiled at him. "No Nagato, we don't."

Pain's face crumpled into a blobby mess, how could someone know his true identity?

The clerk threw off his sixteen year old white male, with piercings costume, revealing his identity was...Jiraiya.

"Sensei, how did you survive my brutal stabbing?

"Simple my student." Jiraiya flashed him a thumbs up. "Phalic black objects aren't enough to kill me."

"Good, because while we were talking, I impaled you through the stomach."

Jiraiya died instantly, curled up on the ground in a pool of blood.

Pain picked out an Invader Zim shirt and left the store.


	2. The Return

Pain marched into Hot Topic for a second time, and approached the girl at the counter.

"Excuse me, I thought the shirt I grabbed said, "I AM ZIM!", but it actually just had a picture of Gir on it," said Pain.

"You didn't look at it before you purchased it?" asked the girl.

"You know what, I've had a hard week, I killed my teacher again, I extracted some giant furry animals from some children, and Taco Bell got my order wrong for the third time. Can I just get my money back?"

"Hey wait a second, you're Pain aren't you?"

"Oh, you've heard of me huh? What do you want, an autograph?"

"No way." She pouted. "You destroyed my village."

"Which one?" He started counting them on his fingers. "The Hidden Tea Village, Hidden Dog Village, Hidden Drugs Village, Hidden Mother's Vibrator Village or-"

"Don't you recognise my head band?" Her head band had the symbol of the leaf on it. "I'm Tenten, of the Hidden Leaf Village." She smiled with pride.

"Literally who?"

Tenten's smile faded to a frown. "Maybe if I cut myself, people will notice me."

"That's the spirit, here, start with this." Pain dropped a black rod on the table.

Tenten sniffled. "Thanks, but I still can't provide you a refund."

"That's alright, I'll give the shirt to some autistic, ADD child, who prefers Gir."

"Those would be the only people you could give it to, wouldn't they?"

"Do you have any, Edgar Allen Poe books in this store?"

"I'm sorry, I don't think we stock those."

"WHAT!?"

Pain summoned the rest of his bodies to burn down Hot Topic, as he walked out, he turned around to watch it burn.

He could only bring himself to utter one single word.

"Posers."


	3. The Book

"How could there possibly be another one?" said Pain.

Pain stood brooding in front of another Hot Topic, this one had just finished setting up across from the burnt down one.

"Like, this is so lame." He shrugged. "Guess I'll, go in anyway."

"Welcome to Hot Toepic," said the clerk at the counter.

"Christ, it's Hot Topic, get it right!" shouted Pain.

He walked around for awhile, looking at shirts and cringing at Funko Pop figures.

Suddenly, his eyes shifted to his right. "Other people shop here?"

Sasuke was standing there, admiring a shirt with a snake on it.

Pain approached him. "What are you, Orochimaru's little bitch?"

Sasuke hovered his hand over his face. "Leave me alone."

"No way, snake boy. Only a conformist would hang out with Orochimaru.

"I am Sasuke of the Uchiha, my clan was wiped out when I was just seven years old."

"Whatever, poser. I'm gonna like, totally ignore you now."

Sasuke stood there looking at his hand. "Why...is my hand mocking me!?"

Pain tried not to stare at Sasuke, but his will was too weak. His eyes gravitated to Sasuke's edgy cloak. "Where did you get that?" he said.

Sasuke answered, "Macy's." He then became engulfed in a cloud of angst.

"Jeez, you really are a poser."

Sasuke walked away to search for edgy books to read. While trying not to stare at his hand and make strange, "eurgh, " sounds, he stumbled across a book by Edgar Allen Poe. "Finally, this is just what I've always wanted."

Pain's Poe radar went off in his head, he turned around and saw Sasuke grasping the book.

"There are more of those, right?" he said.

"I don't think so," said Sasuke."

"Super lame." Pain crossed his arms and watched Sasuke flip through the book.

After awhile of watching Sasuke make a mockery of his beloved Edgar Allen Poe, Pain reached his breaking point. He whispered to himself, "I'll show you, poser." Then he summoned a rain storm inside the Hot Topic, soaking Sasuke's book.

"EUUGGHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" screamed Sasuke. "My life's ambition."

"Sch, shows you," said Pain.

Sasuke threw a temper tantrum and started throwing kunai at everything in the store.

The clerk shouted, "all the Funko Pop figures are ruined, what else are we going to stock the store with?"

"Mission accomplished," said Pain, as he walked out of the store, he let the rain storm continue until both Hot Topic and a nearby Macy's were completely destroyed.


	4. The Investigation

**In this chapter, I introduce Pain's other bodies, I know they're hard to keep track of. If you look up, "what are the names of the paths of Pain?" on Google, you'll be able to find a handy answer on Quora. Just bare with me here, they become easier to distinguish, the more you read.**

 **Thanks for your time!**

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"So, you say you had no involvement in the destruction of either Hot Topic?" said a local police officer.

"No way, I totally tolerate Hot Topic," said Pain.

"Mhm, and what was your name again? Mr..."

"Pain, and don't call me mister, it makes me sound old."

"Right." The police man sketched a few things in his notepad. "Come with me, would you sir?"

Pain let out a groan. "Like, okay, I totally didn't have anything else to do."

They stopped off at the charred building. "Alright, so, here's the first exhibit we're going to be taking a look at."

"So what, it's a burnt down Hot Topic, isn't that normal?"

"Not by a long shot buddy. Now, I need an opinion from you." He pulled out a phone. "This video was taken by a passerby at the scene of the crime."

"Yeah, and?"

"Well, as you can see here. All of the arsonists caught on camera, are wearing the same piercings and have the same hair as you."

"Like, no way, they totally don't. Those piercings are all in different places, that's not the same at all. And look at that one, that's a girl. Do I look like I have boobs?"

"While that may be true, the similarities do make one think of illicit gang activities."

"Whatever, those posers are just jacking my style."

The police man paused the video. "Here's you walking out of the Hot Topic."

"It's all blurry, that could be anyone. It could even be that poser Orochimaru."

"Hm, and this Orochimaru looks just like you then?"

"No, but he could if he wanted to. That sick freak. He took my Linkin Park CD's and never gave them back!"

"Animosity towards a man named Orochimaru, highly petulant and aggressive," muttered the police man as he jotted down information.

"Can I like, go now?"

"Hold on, there's one small issue remaining."

"Yeah, what? Get it over with already."

"You rule over a place called the 'Village Hidden in the Rain,' correct?"

"That's right, we're all cool over there, unlike you happy go lucky conformists."

"And, would you say it rains there a lot?"

"Yeah, of course it does. I make it rain with my awesome rain powers, it's totally poetic."

The police man adjusted his pants. "Alright, that's all I needed to know."

"Can I go now?" Pain huffed impatiently.

"I'm sorry Mr. Pain." He circled around and grabbed Pain's wrists. "I'm afraid I have to place you under arrest."

"No way, that's lame. I could like, totally sue you for false imprisonment."

The policeman sighed. "Frankly, I'm a little sick of dealing with you." He snapped the cuffs on. "Let's go."

"I'm going to be so mad when the rest of me finds out about this."

Meanwhile, across town at a local spa.

"The Shurado path got arrested," said the Ningendo path.

"Who cares," said the Chikushodo path as she got her nails done. "That loser called us posers, besides, he's the one who has a conformist name."

"Yeah, what kind of a name is Yahiko anyway?" said the Jigokudo path "If I had a name, I'd wanna be called Frank."

Everyone glared silently at the Jigokudo path.

"What, what is it?" he said.

All of them except Jigokudo cleared out of the building, Chikushodo leaned back in before closing the door. "Poser."

As everyone else left, Jigokudo cried himself to sleep in a spa chair. He was later carried out and tossed into the gutter.


	5. The Lawyer

Pain sat alone in a brightly lit room downtown, the police had already interrogated him, now he just awaited his state appointed lawyer.

"Is this the right room?" A heavyset man walked in, and slammes his ten lbs bag of chips on the table.

"You're my lawyer?" said Pain.

"I'm Choji." He smiled.

"Excuses me, but ew." Pain clenched the bridge of his nose.

"You don't have to have my help, if you don't want it, but trust me, you're gonna need it. The guy you're going up against in there-"

"No, ew, go away!" Pain picked up his bag of chips and threw it at the wall. "Gross fat man, get out of here."

Choji scowled, his breath grew heavy, as a light shot through his eyes. "I don't know what's worse...that you called me fat, or that you threw, MY FAVORITE SNAAAAACCKK!" Choji lifted the table over his head, and launched it at Pain.

Pain easily repelled the table. "Sick fat man, go away, eat a health bar."

"I'll DESTROY YOU!" Choji expanded his hand and tried to flatten Pain with it. Pain pulled Choji in and sidestepped, forcing him to collide with the wall.

The wall crumbled as Choji tried to dislodge his hand.

Pain ran out of the room. "Guards, the gross poser fat man is destroying your building, arrest him!"

The officer marched in and apprehended Choji. "I would question you." The guard wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "But you destroyed our questioning room." He let out sobs of agony.

A second officer stepped in. "You can share your trial with that guy." He pointed at Pain.

"What, no way!" shouted Pain. "Not fat poser man."

"You're kidding, right?" said Choji.

"You're also the only lawyer in the entire town, so I guess he can be your lawyer too." The officer grinned with glee.

Pain's ears perked up, and he formed a devilish plan. "I hope you're ready, gross conformist guy, for now you will know pain."

Choji grabbed his head. "Shikamaru's gonna kill me."

Meanwhile, across town at a local arcade.

"Damn this frog, he won't go two steps without getting squashed," said the Shurado path.

"That's because we're bad at arcade games," said the Chikushodo path.

The Gokido path turned around from a Soul Calibur machine. "You know who was good? Yahiko."

Chikushodo groaned. "Wannabe, name poser."

"Even so, if we don't suck more furries out of people soon, we may become irrelevant."

"We're at a freakin' arcade! How much less relevant can we get?"

"Hey guys, your old pal Frank's back," said the Jigokudo path, popping out from behind the Frogger machine.

Upon Jigokudo's entry to the room, everyone fled the scene.

"You ordered an anchovy pizza sir?" A pimple ridden man stood holding a pizza box.

"I hate anchovies."

"Well, your friends don't." He shoved the pizza box into Jigokudo's hands. "Now pay up, or be forced into menial slave labor."

"Do you know who I am?"

"The person who's gonna pay for this pizza."

"I am Frank, controller of the king of hell!"

"Yeah, well tell him to pay for your pizza."

"Good idea." Jigokudo summoned the king of hell. "Hey you, poser king, pay for this pizza.

"Place the pizza in my mouth," it said.

He gave it the pizza.

"It started chewing, breaking the pizza box as well. "Scrumptious."

"Okay, now pay for it."

"Go away poser." It spat out the box.

Jigokudo looked at the king of hell, then back at the pizza man. He bolted from the arcade, and spent the night in yet another gutter.


	6. The Trial

"This trial is now in session." The judge banged his gavel. "We may now have opening statements."

Choji stood up. "Your honor, the facts are as follows. My client destroyed two Hot Topics, and personally harassed me. We plead insanity."

"I object!" shouted Pain. "This guy is totally lame, get him out of here."

"Order, order." The judge pounded the gavel again, and looked down at Pain. "Is it not true, that you're Choji's attorney as well, Mr. Pain?"

"Yeah, but he's guilty, just look at him.""

The judge eyed down Choji. "Works for me." He shrugged. "I declare Choji guilty, because he looks guilty, take him away."

Anbu poured into the courtroom, a few of them were intercepted by flies, forcing them to retreat, as they couldn't handle the awesome might, of the most useless insect that ever existed. They grabbed Choji, it took thirty of them to lift him up, mostly because their muscles were basically paper, one of them even dared to wear a, "I Heart Mom," shirt.

Choji screamed as he was hauled off, the force of the scream, incapacitated countless Anbu, in the end, Choji failed to bring his ten lbs bag of chips with him, he would regret it for the rest of his life.

Shikamaru walked out from the prosecutor's stand. "This trial is a drag your honor, I don't want it to drag on, because I have a drag race to attend. Clearly, the defendant used a dragon to drag the life out of the Hot Topic."

"Shikamaru..." The judge held back a cringe. "You're completely insane aren't you?"

"Honestly, I don't really like dragging my own name through the mud. So let's get started.

The body of Jiraiya was dragged out of the Hot Topic, just five days ago. We believe this was also Pain's doing."

"Do you have any proof?"

"We have video footage of Pain walking out of the Hot Topic dragging an Invader Zim shirt, personally, I wouldn't be caught dead in that. Perhaps he stripped the shirt off Jiraiya so he wouldn't be either?"

"That theory is completely ludicrous."

"I object, your honor," said Pain.

"What are you objecting to? The trial seems to be going your way."

"Invader Zim is a great cartoon, you people just don't understand it. Jiraiya would've liked it too, if I hadn't stabbed him, for not being dead."

The judge blinked twice, taking in Pain's statement. "You know that's a confession, right?"

"Whatever, I hate this dumb courtroom anyway, it smells in here."

Suddenly, a large explosion came from the courtroom entrance. An Anbu ran in. "We tried to stop them, but, they had a pencil sharpener." He fell over.

"We really need to hire better security," mumbled the Judge.

Pain's paths marched in, all of them, except Jigokudo, who was working as a street performer, trying to raise cash, to pay for the pizza he skipped out on.

"Let's get out of here, poser," said Chikushodo.

"It's about time." Pain got up, and joined the group of bodies. "Later, smelly courtroom people."

"Not so fast!" shouted Ebisu, from behind them.

"Oh, it's that guy, didn't he get wreckt by Jigokudo?" said Pain.

Ebisu pressed his fingers into his glasses. "Indeed, and yet, he didn't bear witness to my true power."

"Show us then," said Shurado.

Ebisu started making intricate hand signs, all of the paths gasped as it looked like he was doing something interesting. This feeling of shock, wore off after only a few minutes, when Ebisu was still making hand signs.

"Should we kill him?" asked Ningendo.

"I think he'd make a nice pet monkey," said Shurado. "Let's have a vote."

The paths held a courtroom ballot, even polling the jury, after an hour of deliberation, they had reached a verdict.

Pain knocked the judge out of his chair, and made the announcement. "By a verdict of fourty three, to zero, the generic ninja dies."

Ebisu stopped making hand signs, instead, he began to laugh.

"Time to meet your end, poser," said Ningendo.

Ebisu's laugh changed to a full on howl, as he made one final handsign. "Boring no Jutsu!" he shouted.

In just a split second, the entire courtroom melted away, the paths separated, when the building reformed around them. They were each in individual prison cells.

Ebisu cheered, "finally, I did one thing right, my life finally means something." The smile on his face melted as well, when he realized he was also locked in a cell.

"Serves you right, poser," said Pain.

Anko walked in. "So, these are the new inmates then? This is gonna be fun." She flashed a devilish grin.

Ebisu screamed at her to release him, but she just walked on past him. "I don't belong in here!" he shouted. "NOOOOOOO!"


	7. The Prison

"No way," said Pain.

"No way," said Chikushodo.

"How disgusting," said Ebisu.

They all stood in front of a Hot Topic, in the prison.

"Jeez, there are more of these than I thought," said Chikushodo.

"Well, I'm not going in." Ebisu pressed his finger to his glasses.

"We don't want you in there anyway." Pain walked into the Hot Topic.

Chikushodo followed. "Seeya, loser."

Inside the Hot Topic was a treasure trove of villains. Kimimaro checked out the skulls, Jirobo did his Jirobo thing, and Madara was manning the register.

"What a bunch of queers," said Chikushodo.

"Whatever," said Pain. "I'm gonna go check out the clothes."

He walked over and scanned the wall of shirts , his eyes stopped on a sign saying, "SALE, everything costs 15% extra."

"That's not a sale." As he continued looking through the shirts, he made a sudden realization. "All these shirts are orange!" he shouted.

This caught Jirobo's attention. "I like orange, it matches my hair."

"Shut up, fat man, go hang out with Choji!"

"Oh, you mean my cell mate? He cleans up real good, heh heh."

"You're so annoying, this is so annoying!" Pain turned around, to face Madara. "You, cashier, what's wrong with this place!?"

Madara laughed to himself.

"This hot topic sucks." Pain kicked over a stack of Funko Pop figures.

Then, right before his eyes, the stack reformed. "What the..."

Madara's maddened eyes became bulging circles. "Welcome, to my infinite Hot Topicuyomi." He howled with laughter.

"You monster, all the books here are The Catcher in the Rye, how could you?"

"You're a new fish around here, so I'll 'educate' you, this is my prison, I can turn it into whatever I want."

The room spun around, as Pain watched the shelves reform. "No, it's, it's...a Sears! These stores stopped being relevant years ago." Pain shielded his eyes.

"Look at this lame furniture," said Chikushodo.

Kimimaro eyed down a recliner. "I wonder if this would be good for my back."

"It's over," said Madara.

"Not if I have anything to say about it." Pain channeled his angst, creating a massive push, that destroyed all the furniture, and pinned everyone to the walls, everyone except Madara.

"You dare challenge me!?" Madara's shirt fell off as he hopped over the counter.

Meanwhile, Pain fastened a winter coat around himself.

"Why would you wear a winter coat? There's no air conditioning in here!" shouted Madara.

"Because it's stylish, but you wouldn't know that, poser." This statement hit Madara hard, sweat began to drip down his brow.

"Being stylish is a form of conformity, so I go shirtless."

Pain gasped as he held onto his jacket. "I need to get this off now."

"Yes, feel the pain." Madara flashed a wide, insane grin.

"Yeah, well I killed my own teacher."

Madara bent over in agony. "I pretended to be dead for over a generation, just to get revenge on the entire world."

Pain fell to the ground. "You won't defeat me, poser." He got back up to his knees. "I- I basically taxedermized my best friend, who was the greatest hope for the future of the ninja world, then used his body to cause destruction. I made his girlfriend, who loved him dearly, follow me on my path of evil, and the body you're talking to right now is his."

Madara froze in place. "Dude, that's pretty screwed up. And I'm the guy who rips out people's eyes."

"Whatever, plenty of people do that."

Having heard the news of his unoriginality, Madara lost consciousness and dropped to the floor.

Pain picked Madara's shirt up off the ground. "I'm taking this, it's pretty rad." He walked out of the store. Leaving almost everybody, plastered to the walls.


	8. The Meeting

"Ugh, another crappy day in this crappy prison," said Pain, as he walked back to his cell.

As he reached his room, he stopped abruptly. There was a familiar maniacal laughter permiating his fresh, previously undisturbed, quarters.

"What's wrong Nagato? I thought you'd be happy to see me," said the voice, from the shadows.

"I'd never be happy to see you, Orochimaru."

Orochimaru stepped out of the shadows, walking in that strange pose he always does, with a creepy smile plastered on his face. "Oh, but I'm sure you will be. We're going to help eachother, break out of here."

"Ew, no way, I'd rather serve a hundred years, than work with you again." Pain crossed his arm.

"That's a shame, but...thanks to Kabuto's ninja info cards, I think I may have something that will, change your mind." He grabbed something off of the bed, and held it to the light for Pain to see.

"The complete works of Edgar Allen Poe on audio tape?"

"Muhahahahaha! I knew you couldn't resist me if I brought this."

Pain looked away in disgust. "Those are cassette tapes, what are you, seventy?"

Orochimaru looked shaken. "WHAT!? Who told you that I was that old, was it Tsunade!?"

"Chill, I didn't know." He chuckled. "Until now. No wonder you're such a poser."

"This is dragging on, the guards will come around soon. Just accept my offer."

"Fine, but you're paying for my audible subscription, and you owe me my Linkin Park CD's."

Orochimaru hissed, "Sasuke took those years ago."

"So lame." Pain marched off.

Later, a guard came to needlessly beat Orochimaru, and ended up turning into a curse marked edge lord instead.

At a table on the other side of the prison, the paths of Pain sat, trying to entertain themselves.

"Do you have any threes?" asked Shurado.

"Go fish," said Ningendo.

Pain approached them. "Hey guys, we're busting out of here."

Shurado flipped the table. "Thank God, I hate ninja prison."

"We just need to work with Orochimaru."

The group of paths, let out a simultaneous groan.

"Alright," said Ningendo. "But whatever we have to do, I'm not swallowing Orochimaru's sperm."

"Not again, you mean?" said Chikushodo.

Ningendo paused, staring everyone down awkwardly, he then power walked out of the room.

"What a weirdo." Chikushodo set the table back up.

"So, what's the plan?" asked Gokido.

Pain racked his brain, but realized, he hadn't actually discussed plans with Orochimaru. "Um, maybe we, kill the generic ninja, then blame it on fat boy, he busts a hole in the wall, and we escape?"

"What does that have to do with Orochimaru?"

"You know what? If you can come up with something better, just go for it!"

"Alright." Gokido cracked his knuckles. "We kill everyone in the prison, walk out, then go back to running the Akatsuki."

The room fell silent.

Pain stared into Gokido's eyes, which was probably like a mirror reflecting a mirror, making it awkward for everyone. "That, sounds, boring."

"We're supposed to be extracting animals anyway."

"Yeah, but the Akatsuki is boring. They're all so lame, and there's no rewards program for members."

"Plus, you probably pissed Madara off, the other day," said Chikushodo.

"You know," huffed Pain. "I thought you guys were my friends. I think I'm gonna go hang out with Orochimaru after all." He stormed off.

Chikushodo shrugged. "So, melodramatic."

Pain marched to Orochimaru's cell. "Hey, Orochisnakeguy, we're like, totally friends n-"

He arrived at Orochimaru's prison lair, a deep cackle broke through the newfound silence. What Pain witnessed, traumatised him. Orochimaru was laying in his underwear, rubbing butter, all over his body. "Come, join me Nagato."

"I immediately regret this decision." A single tear dripped down Pain's frozen face. He would never be the same again.


	9. The Breakout

"So, Nagato, has the shock worn off now?" asked Orochimaru.

Pain's eye twitched, he'd been standing in place for over two hours, he found difficulty in getting over it; the more time passed, the more butter Orochimaru rubbed on his body.

"I...think I'm gonna hurl," said Pain.

Orochimaru smiled with glee. "Yes Pain, do it all over my moist, snake body."

"I finally understand why Sasuke is such a freak. It's your fault."

Orochimaru laughed the chortle of a million chortles. "Naturally, I'm always down to get freaky. Now, let's discuss tactics."

"Please, please, put some clothes on."

"Mm, you can't handle my slimy, buttery, snake body?"

Pain threw up on the ground, as Ebisu walked by. Naturally, Ebisu, being the master ninja he was, slipped on it, dying on impact.

Orochimaru's eyes widened. "Yes, of course. Now we can blame it on that fat man; he'll smash a hole in the wall, out of anger, then we can escape!"

Pain rolled his eyes. "That's what I've been telling everyone for hours."

Orochimaru flagged down a guard.

"What's the meaning of this?" said the guard as they came sprinting in. Unfortunately, they were an Anbu, so they also tripped and died.

"Ugh." Orochimaru face palmed. "These people are useless."

"Hey, I just had a totally great idea," said Pain.

"Well, spill it." Orochimaru looked like he was on the last leg of his patience.

"Why don't we just, bust through a wall ourselves, and escape? I mean, we're shinobi."

Orochimaru stood perfectly still, holding his supreme grimace. Minutes passed, he looked like a statue. "Dammit," was all he could muster.

Orochimaru puked himself out of his mouth, then, he did it again, then again, and again. Eventually, the speed of his molting reached chainsaw like speeds, he cut straight through the wall, and everyone in his path.

When all was said and done, they were finally free. Pain looked at the outside of the prison, for the first time in at least a week. Not because there was no yard time, but because he's antisocial, and opted to stay inside instead.

"Like..." Pain stared into the beautiful blue sky. "I forgot how annoying the sun was."

Orochimaru ran outside like a mad man. "I'm finally free to hunt Sasuke, oh Sasuke, my dear Sasuke, won't you join me, in my butter bath!?"

"I really hate that guy," muttered Pain.

Gokido walked up behind him. "I guess that guy is good for something." He cracked his knuckles.

The paths traveled out into the world, once again, going their separate ways, to participate in various recreational activities. On the other hand, they had also released almost every villain in the recent history of the shinobi world. The city was sure to undergo a violent period of crime, the worst of all, most likely committed by Mizuki, because he can turn into a tiger wrestler, and that clearly makes him the strongest.

Pain of course, had his own plans. With the precision of a heat seeking missile, he hunted down the nearest Hot Topic, which just so happened to be directly across from the prison.

"I'm forever impressed with how many of these there are," he said, eyeing down the logo. "That's weird though, this one says, 'Killer Bee's, Hot Topic for Real ." He rolled his eyes, then shrugged. "Guess I'll, go in anyway, it can't be as bad as hanging out with Orochimaru." Nothing could prepare him, for what he was about to witness within the store.


	10. The Squid

The moment Pain entered Killer Bee's Hot Topic, he was bombarded by a shrill shriek, which sounded a bit like singing. "Welcome customer, I do not kid. Come and watch me, have sex with a squid, yeah!"

It's hard to describe what Pain actually saw when he turned to see what Killer Bee was doing at the counter, but he knew he'd been very wrong, Orochimaru's weirdness had nothing on Killer Bee.

He tried to drown out the sloshing sounds ringing throughout the Hot Topic, as he browsed its shelves. "There's so many swords here."

Another wave of bad rhyming came. "Customer, don't look away, this squid is a female, so it's not gay, yeah!"

Pain felt vomit well up, in his stomach. He picked up a mug, it read, "'I Heart Squid Sex.'"

"Turns out, this squid has a penis, guess that's what happens, when you have sex with a sea fish!"

"Okay, I can't do this." Pain turned back toward the exit. As he turned, he caught a glimpse of someone suspiciously familiar. As he approached them, he mumbled to himself, "I swear to God, this better not be Orochimaru."

The familiar person, sang along, next to Killer Bee. "Oh yeah, Frank's havin' a good time, he never knew, that he could rhyme."

"Jigokudo, what are you doing here!?" shouted Pain.

Jigokudo took up a gangster stance. "I thought we saw, eyes to eyes, but I guess you're just, a poser in disguise."

"Yeah, we can still see you, we just sorta ignore you. I blocked you out entirely."

"Frank doesn't need, this stuck up loser, he's hangin' with, Killer Bee the bruiser."

Pain sighed. "Well, it seems you've outlived your usefulness. Guess I have to kill you."

Chikushodo raised his hands. "No, wait!"

Pain performed the almighty push, leveling the store.

"What's the big deal, over here?" Killer Bee rose from the ground. "You've fulfilled, my greatest fear. The loss of my store, blood, sweat, and tear, you took away, all that is dear. My squid is dead, my best friend Jed." He took out his swords. "Now I'll replace him, with your head."

"This is the lamest experience, I've ever had." Pain prepared to take on Killer Bee in hand to hand combat.

Killer Bee charged him, slicing furiously with his swords. Pain weaved around them, using his superior agility. "Fighting you is lame, this whole day is lame, I'm so bored, I should never've came. Dammit, now I'm doing it!"

Killer Bee hopped in the air, diving down in a spin. Pain made an effort to dodge, but his coat got caught in the crossfire. "My cloak of eternal sadness and puppy tears, how could you!?"

Killer Bee raised his sword. "Get a grip man, you're fighting Bee, without a plan."

"Try this one." Jigokudo put his hand on Killer Bee's shoulder, summoning the hell king. It ripped out Killer Bee's tongue, dropping him to the floor.

"Jigokudo, you idiot, now the eight tales will run free!" Pain whipped himself into a frenzy.

Jigokudo frowned. "I was just trying to help."

Killer Bee's body turned into a squid tentacle.

"So...he's not dead?" Pain examined the squid tentacle. "I'm not touching that."

"Can I have it?" Jigokudo clapped his hands.

"Knock yourself out." Pain walked away, to seek out the next Hot Topic, sure that nothing could ever reach the level of weirdness he'd witnessed today. As he left his misguided path behind, he could hear the obnoxious giggles Jigokudo made, as he poked the squid tentacle.


	11. The News

"The latest reports show, the newly escaped criminals, are running rampant through the city," said a reporter, on TV. "I'm here with one of them now." The camera panned to Deidara, as the reporter continued, "so, I've heard, you're one of the three Akatsuki who were incarcerated."

"Yes, I got myself locked up on purpose. I was in charge, of the prison, art class." He gave a mischievous smirk, as his eye twinkled. "When the wall came down, I was in the middle of teaching my students, that true art, is an explosion."

"That sounds dangerous."

"Not at all, there were only a couple casualties since I started that class."

"And how long were you teaching it?"

Deidara shrugged. "An hour."

The reporter tugged on his tie. "Well, we actually have here, the only villain, still left in prison. Your associate, Sasori."

The shot switched to another reporter, standing next to Sasori, wearing his Hiruko puppet.

"So, Mr. Sasori, what's it like being the only villain left in prison?"

"Deidara, I know you're watching this. When you do, I want you to know, you're an idiot."

The reporter, pulled the microphone away. "That's great, now, can you tell me why you didn't escape with the other prisoners?"

Sasori glared at the reporter. "Why don't you ask yourself, does this look like the same prison?"

The reporter laughed awkwardly, tugging at his collar. "I'm afraid we're running low on time here. So uh, what's your take on the prison break, in general?"

"You want my take?" He wrapped his tail around the reporter. "My take is...I hate waiting." His mouth opened, as he shot multiple kunai into the reporter. The camera cut to black, as the channel switched to an emergency screen.

Pain turned off the TV. "Those guys are so lame, why did I even hire them in the first place?"

He got up and opened the fridge. "Ugh, all that's in here is copies of Bram Stoker's Dracula." He looked out the window. "I need a new apartment."

The phone rang, on the other end was Orochimaru. He'd taken to calling Pain, to update him on his quest for Sasuke's affection. This time, he had offered Sasuke a bouquet of flowers. Sasuke was taken by surprise, Orochimaru didn't show his affection very often. The plan backfired though, as the flowers turned into snakes. Sasuke dropped the bouquet, then the snakes melted into butter. Pain made a habit of hanging up, whenever Orochimaru mentioned butter, which was unfortunately fairly often.

He sighed as he hung up the phone, and decided to gaze out the window.

The streets below were filled with all sorts of unusual villainy. Zabuza stole a purse from an old lady, Danzo fell over, having to call life alert, and Itachi waltzed into a Hot Topic.

"What's he doing in there?" He tried to get a better look. "He better not destroy my Hot Topic, I practically live there." A neuron fired in Pain's brain, causing him to create a pivotal idea. "Why don't I just live there?"

He grabbed his keys and walked out. "I'm getting myself a new apartment."


	12. The Apartment

Pain entered the Hot Topic, this had been his goal, his dream, he gazed upon the store, that would soon be his, and...the squid man was back.

"I found another squid, its name is mid-"

"Amaterasu." Black flames engulfed Killer Bee, burning him to a nice octo crisp.

"Cool," said Pain, staring at Itachi in admiration.

"It's creepy when you stare at me." Itachi held his hand to his eye.

"Well, it's creepy when you bleed from the eye, so we're even."

Itachi turned away dramatically. "I don't have time for this, I must rid this place from the world."

Pain furrowed his brow. "Hey guy, this is my new apartment."

Itachi turned around again. "No, this is a land of infinite evil."

Pain scoffed. "You just say that, cuz you're a poser."

"Enough of this, you'll find out soon enough." Itachi waved Pain away, but then disappeared from the Hot Topic.

"Excuse me?" Pain surveyed the area, finding that everyone had disappeared from the store.

"I guess they finally learned their lesson." He stacked up trendy tee shirts, and laid back on them. "This new apartment, rocks." Looking down at a shirt next to his face, something seemed weird about it; Pain inspected it. As he lifted up the shirt, a book fell out. "Fifty Shades of Grey!?" He scurried away. "Ew no, please, no."

All around him now, the shelves were filled with erotica for middle aged women. "But, I'm not a middle aged woman!" He tried to shield his eyes, as the sheer volume of books seemed to increase. Feeling overwhelmed, he hurried to the door. He rattled the doorknob, it wouldn't budge. The world turned gray around him, as the books encroached. They bombarded him, slamming into his face, with their pages open. The door, grew roots, and held him in place. Years passed, by the time it finally ended, Pain had every word of Fifty Shades of Grey memorized.

He woke up, Itachi still stood in front of him, brandishing his ring.

Pain throthed at the mouth, Itachi fireman carried him out, and tossed him out on the street. Pain was laid out, just in time, for an ambulance to arrive. Danzo was saved, life alert had done its job.

As the world spun around him, Pain knew he would never see his local Hot Topic again. But he couldn't fathom why Itachi wanted to destroy them, he was also devastated by thoughts of his potential hospital bill, if they picked him up, which it seemed like, that's exactly what they were doing.

With sirens blaring, Pain was transported to the hospital. As they carried him in on the gurney, he turned to see someone who had been drowned in butter, and on his other side, rested Choji, having tried to commit suicide, due to a lack of chips, or friends.

But he wasn't destined for this place, as they carried him down the hall, they threw him into the psych ward. What kind of monstrosities could await him there?


	13. The Hospital

"Take these, Ninja Info Pills." Kabuto thrust a sheak white bottle of pills at Pain.

Pain ducked under them. "Get your pills away from me Kabuto, who made you head of the psych ward?"

Kabuto laughed a little, then a lot, then he let it roar out, the noise consumed Pain's ears, like a jet engine, but worse, because it was Kabuto. "Didn't you look at the name, when you came in? This is Orochimaru's Hospital Lair!"

"Seriously, who let's Orochimaru, run his own hospital?"

"Let me pull that up for you on my..." Kabuto bent over, lifting the seal off a box. "Ninja info cards."

Pain felt gastric pressure in his abdomen, any second, his stomach would give. "That's sick, I'd rather deal with the butter."

Kabuto narrowed his eyes. "How about my...Butter Info Cards?"

Pain charged to a nearby bathroom, nearly losing traction on the wet floor in front of it, he steadied himself on the wall. When he reached the stall, the vomit welled up in his throat, but he didn't throw up. He couldn't, as directly in front of him, was a toilet, shaped like Orochimaru's face. "These are, the grossest people, I've ever met."

The toilet didn't take his attention for long, to his left, rested a glass door, yet he couldn't see inside. Pain pondered the logistics of stepping through a door in a bathroom stall. Slowly, he gripped the chilly metal handle. "It's gotta be better than Snakeman and Dodo."

Pushing down on the handle, he forced the door open, light assaulted his eyes, a greeting, came from in front of him. "Welcome to Hot Topic, how may I help you?"

Time stopped, Pain's heart nearly beat out of his chest. "No way." He eyed down all the, oh so, familiar shelves. "That's not possible."

Kidomaru stood behind the counter, twittling his several thumbs. "Excuse me, sir, could I interest you in any of my sticky spider goo?"

Pain showed his palm to Kidomaru. "I need a moment."

Kidomaru seemingly misunderstood what Pain meant, soon, the gooey sweet smell, of Kidomaru's pocket twix, caked the front of Pain's face.

"EEUUUGH," screamed Pain, as the delicious nectar made its way into his eyes. "Oh my God, that's like, not what I meant!"

"Sorry, I'm new here." Kidomaru looked away, focusing on anything and everything, besides Pain.

"There's something wrong here, Itachi was right. There shouldn't be a Hot Topic, in a bathroom, run by a freak Marvel reject."

Kidomaru's eyes puffed out, he put his face in his palms, and started sobbing so loudly, that he sprayed the entire room in spider goo.

Pain scraped the goo off his robe. "I gotta find Itachi." He tried to lift his foot off the carpet, but struggled, as the white thread glued it to the floor. "First a shower, then Itachi."

Once Pain managed to free himself, he sprinted past Kabuto, and down every floor of the hospital. Knocking Konohamaru out the fourth story window, onto a bed of conveniently placed nails. When he returned home, he found that his water had been shut off, he had no choice, but to wash himself off at the local lake. Kisame's favorite hangout...


End file.
